my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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