Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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