GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
