I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If its not for food we ain't going out.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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