His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
