I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
