Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
