Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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