I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
