you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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