We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
