I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
