Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
