You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
