im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize