If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We are all done wearing pants today
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
