Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
