so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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