I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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