I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
