Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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