oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
