today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize