I hate your face
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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