You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize