Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
