My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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