Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
