is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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