he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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