i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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