I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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