You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
