so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
