The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
