Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
