Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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