How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
