dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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