Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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