So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
