if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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