omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
