I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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