Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
