at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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