I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
