My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
