I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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