I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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