Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
