meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
