Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
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