i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
