i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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