I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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