If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
