Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
