She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
