She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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