Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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