I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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