I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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